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Friday, June 12, 2015

Late Night Thoughts: on being in denial

The current literature I read is titled The Zahir, written by Paulo Coelho. This got to be the first time I spend time reading such book. He had me at ‘letting people became their ‘Zahir’’. It also means an addiction. I don’t finish it yet, but I intend to. In that book, there’s this guy who can hear voices and convince the main character that everyone can hear voices inside them. He might hear the voice when making decisions or sometimes it just popped out into his mind which I can relate. It’s not uncommon I hear voices and I bet everybody does, yet I still can choose the wrong turn which makes me doubt the presence of the voice who should direct me to the right turn. I used to blame it until one day I mentally shut myself out from hearing that voice. Are you guys following me? If you know what I mean, just knot. 

That moment I realised I neglect the voice’s advice to not to take right turn, and here I am with the choice I have made. I always believe that there’s a higher power among us that always have reasons for everything we are now. This is like the thousandth time I talk about my love life. I believe there’s a switch button for everything. I can’t recall whether I have enjoyed the pain so much so I forgot where the switch button is or I let myself to forget. Because it’s not that I like being sad all the time and enjoy crying myself to sleep for these past three years every 5 days in a month, I am just stubborn. I don’t want to give up easily when it comes to ‘find the one’. I want to believe that’s real, you know. I want to believe I have the chance to somehow find someone whose I can call ‘the apple of my eye’ or if it’s too cheesy, it’s enough to know that he loves me too. Because it’s not only exhausting to have my puppy love unrequited, but that also makes me bitter than I already am.

I know it’s not my place to say this but sometimes it got me thinking that it’s sad to see couple hurt each other most of the time, try to compete against each other in their relationship like it was a game. Try to create drama that shouldn’t be existed in the first place. Or some couple that have major insecurities and decide to keep negative thoughts for themselves, and over think everything. I know it’s not always picnic in the park when it comes to relationship, but it doesn’t have to be a World War II. 

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