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Thursday, June 4, 2015

Late Night Thoughts: on Closure

I always thought that I need closure to end an event of my life, but as time goes by the closure that is supposed to seal the deal with the past became something I enjoy doing to have another moment with my past. In other words, I did several closures to end an event. Every time I tried to just keep it one event, I had tendency to try another form of closure. That’s actually why there are always stories about my past on my blog. I wrote them so I could live the moments I had lost. It was not a good experience, to be honest but the bittersweet feeling made me always come back. The stories didn’t actually happen in real life, it was my expectation and I realized it consumed me and makes me sad all the time and expect good things start to happen instead of doing something to make it work. The thing is it’s the same way I deal with people. I honestly dislike conflict, it’s not because I can’t handle the pressure of hating people, but I hold grudges. I don’t forget easily despite all the distractions and the time I spend working on something else. It’s always going to be there. I somehow can’t forget the detail, the feelings, and the expression of those moments. I practice to ignore bad memories about rejections, conflicts, and arguments but in the end they stay in the back of my head. Remember what Sherlock told us about ‘castle of memory’. Like something you put on the Internet, though you already deleted it, it’s not going away that easy, is it? That also applies on memories and feelings I am having until now.

Funny thing is I never got that so much hatred until I joined JFW and posted that on my social media. Other funny thing is that she/he assumed I was too proud about that. She/he obviously thinks join that event only a waste of money and won’t do any good. And by posting that particular event on my social media makes me look like a bragging spoiled kid. I was surprised, clearly, since I was never that famous to have hater. I mean, come on? It only takes one event in my life to makes a person despise me very much and said rude things like that. I won’t whine and play a victim here, because I am not. And by not responding to that the way she/he would have wanted me to, I don’t give her the satisfaction to ‘hit’ me with other arguments she prepared since her first opinions about me four months ago (there was no question mark and I was quite sure questions wouldn’t sound mean like that), and open a typical dramatic fight on ask.fm. That’s low.

The best part is I tracked you down. Did you see that coming?

Now it’s a matter of choice or balls whether you want to come forward or not. Or you might want to wait until Eid Al-Fitr comes to give you bigger chance for forgiveness.

I often stay the hell out of a conflict, but you were the one who pick this fight.

So much for dealing with closure. 

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