Late Night Thoughts: on being in denial

The current literature I read is titled The Zahir, written by Paulo Coelho. This got to be the first time I spend time reading such book. He had me at ‘letting people became their ‘Zahir’’. It also means an addiction. I don’t finish it yet, but I intend to. In that book, there’s this guy who can hear voices and convince the main character that everyone can hear voices inside them. He might hear the voice when making decisions or sometimes it just popped out into his mind which I can relate. It’s not uncommon I hear voices and I bet everybody does, yet I still can choose the wrong turn which makes me doubt the presence of the voice who should direct me to the right turn. I used to blame it until one day I mentally shut myself out from hearing that voice. Are you guys following me? If you know what I mean, just knot. 

That moment I realised I neglect the voice’s advice to not to take right turn, and here I am with the choice I have made. I always believe that there’s a higher power among us that always have reasons for everything we are now. This is like the thousandth time I talk about my love life. I believe there’s a switch button for everything. I can’t recall whether I have enjoyed the pain so much so I forgot where the switch button is or I let myself to forget. Because it’s not that I like being sad all the time and enjoy crying myself to sleep for these past three years every 5 days in a month, I am just stubborn. I don’t want to give up easily when it comes to ‘find the one’. I want to believe that’s real, you know. I want to believe I have the chance to somehow find someone whose I can call ‘the apple of my eye’ or if it’s too cheesy, it’s enough to know that he loves me too. Because it’s not only exhausting to have my puppy love unrequited, but that also makes me bitter than I already am.

I know it’s not my place to say this but sometimes it got me thinking that it’s sad to see couple hurt each other most of the time, try to compete against each other in their relationship like it was a game. Try to create drama that shouldn’t be existed in the first place. Or some couple that have major insecurities and decide to keep negative thoughts for themselves, and over think everything. I know it’s not always picnic in the park when it comes to relationship, but it doesn’t have to be a World War II. 

Late Night Thoughts: on Closure

I always thought that I need closure to end an event of my life, but as time goes by the closure that is supposed to seal the deal with the past became something I enjoy doing to have another moment with my past. In other words, I did several closures to end an event. Every time I tried to just keep it one event, I had tendency to try another form of closure. That’s actually why there are always stories about my past on my blog. I wrote them so I could live the moments I had lost. It was not a good experience, to be honest but the bittersweet feeling made me always come back. The stories didn’t actually happen in real life, it was my expectation and I realized it consumed me and makes me sad all the time and expect good things start to happen instead of doing something to make it work. The thing is it’s the same way I deal with people. I honestly dislike conflict, it’s not because I can’t handle the pressure of hating people, but I hold grudges. I don’t forget easily despite all the distractions and the time I spend working on something else. It’s always going to be there. I somehow can’t forget the detail, the feelings, and the expression of those moments. I practice to ignore bad memories about rejections, conflicts, and arguments but in the end they stay in the back of my head. Remember what Sherlock told us about ‘castle of memory’. Like something you put on the Internet, though you already deleted it, it’s not going away that easy, is it? That also applies on memories and feelings I am having until now.

Funny thing is I never got that so much hatred until I joined JFW and posted that on my social media. Other funny thing is that she/he assumed I was too proud about that. She/he obviously thinks join that event only a waste of money and won’t do any good. And by posting that particular event on my social media makes me look like a bragging spoiled kid. I was surprised, clearly, since I was never that famous to have hater. I mean, come on? It only takes one event in my life to makes a person despise me very much and said rude things like that. I won’t whine and play a victim here, because I am not. And by not responding to that the way she/he would have wanted me to, I don’t give her the satisfaction to ‘hit’ me with other arguments she prepared since her first opinions about me four months ago (there was no question mark and I was quite sure questions wouldn’t sound mean like that), and open a typical dramatic fight on ask.fm. That’s low.

The best part is I tracked you down. Did you see that coming?

Now it’s a matter of choice or balls whether you want to come forward or not. Or you might want to wait until Eid Al-Fitr comes to give you bigger chance for forgiveness.

I often stay the hell out of a conflict, but you were the one who pick this fight.

So much for dealing with closure. 

Late Night Thoughts on: being a passive aggressive person

This doesn’t sound really good on me, because I personally hate being labeled as a passive-aggressive person. But I do have the symptoms and I didn’t realize it until I am 21 years old. Can you imagine? I never understand why I am so complicated until now. I don’t express my feelings easily and I always hold back to say something I really want to say. Introvert personality with passive aggressive behavior are not the best combination. I don’t think they are in my genes, but the way I have been growing up. I am not blaming anyone. I got in this situation by myself. Yet someone said child is a blank paper, better be careful when you write in it. 

I read the symptoms in one teenage magazine, and they also said that person with passive-aggressive behavior could be difficult because they don’t actually let people know what they’re actually feeling and they hope people understand. That’s why they are so moody and can be very irritating. In my age, it’s going to be hard to heal it or fix it, because it started a long time ago since I started to think that my opinions don’t matter and it will be a waste of time to hear opinions came from me. I stopped raising hands in class, hiding my opinions in back of my head. This behavior literally holds me back. And I hate it. I don’t usually stand up for myself because I hate conflict and arguments. That’s one of the symptoms.

I should stop discussing the symptoms and start telling you how to deal with it. In arguments I can’t avoid, I usually give GOOD reasons or proof to support my arguments. Or in a discussion, instead of keep listening without contributing anything, I start making project plans, browse on the Internet to support the plans and make myself useful. It was actually not really bad when I finally contributed to one of group project. Or being in the same group with friends you don’t see eye to eye, it’s wont be a big problem because good grades are the ones that matter. The moral value is stop holding yourself back because everyone is destined to be great. It’s not comforting at first but it helps. 

Late Night Thoughts: on How #single became a #trend

It’s a long title, I know right? I tried to come up with more catchy title, but I failed. So I have been thinking this since a very long time, but I was very distracted by everything and here I am. It’s probably nothing, and we all are okay with it, but sometimes when I am not in the mood of being very sad and stop making tear-dropping stories on my blog (check them here), I just started to think why this song is very sad. Or why is this movie so very dramatic? Or why are all good songs always have this twisted hurting lyric in it? And why am I doing this? I mean, I don’t judge or whatever and I don’t think I am not one of them who crave something sad to, you know, relate. Won’t you agree if every time someone broke our heart, there is always at least one song you can totally relate, and you end up listening to it until it somehow heals you? It’s comforting and that’s good for you. And I don’t blame you for that. That’s okay. That’s normal. And that’s how we are human.

Until, it was just too much. Too much cry, too much sad songs, too much sad stories. The more songs and stories I can relate, the harder I can let go.

And here in Indonesia, being heartbroken is actually has its own trend. Here we call it, ‘galau’. There is actually a song titled Galau and I was like ‘okay….’.        

Beside ‘galau’, it is actually kind of a big deal if you don’t have date on Saturday night or being single for a long time. They actually have one title for it they call them ‘jomblo ngenes’. Wow. And people start using hash-tag to talk about it and it gone viral. Everybody knows what ‘jomblo ngenes’ is. Yeay.

And on the other side, single people will busy defending themselves and say that they are single by choice. Well. Okay. Note that.

Here is the thing. In Indonesia, most people still worry about what other people might think of them, so they will obligatory try to impress everybody else buy getting a girlfriend or being very defensive about it.

Some colleagues of mine ever guessed how many years I have been single and they guessed six years. Wow, it’s a very long time, by the way. They were wrong, obviously. It’s not the point. The point is I barely even care. They can guess whatever they want, but I won’t look for a boyfriend because they told me so.

I believe there’s always the right time for everything. And it is already written for me. Naive? I know.   

Late Night Thoughts: on Norwegian Wood & Hateful Feeling

I just finished reading Norwegian Wood. I said, ‘New reading won’t do any harm’. Then I started to read it. Good perspective, I thought. I never read literature as ‘wounded’ as Norwegian Wood.

It’s not a simple kind of sad. It tore you apart until at some point you chose to take a breath and thank God you’re still alive. It was way too deep until I believe that was Mr. Murakami’s actual story. But he denied it, tho. Who am I telling you otherwise?

I had my difficulties to imagine the actual events and how everything could be that messed up, since I was never been to Japan, but the way he expressed himself through writing was moving. It took four deaths in one book to make me realize that I have this one life.

Well, I had no intention to waste it, like another person on my ask.fm told me otherwise. But thanks a lot to him/her who said to me that it saddened him/her to see me wasting my parents’ money and not having a decent job because he/she thinks having one little brand is not a decent job, and by doing that, I waste my parents’ money. I appreciate his/her concern. I do, but I wish he/she got more balls to say it in front of my face. It doesn’t come from random people. I understand this person knows me to not telling me in person and chose a hateful social media like ask.fm, and yet, not that well to understand that I will prove him/her wrong.

He/she seems very concern that I had wasted my parents’ money. He/she doesn’t need to worry about that, because I won’t.

If someday he/she realizes that calling me and my friends’ creations were ‘only online shop’ or he/she thinks Jakarta Fashion Week was nothing won’t make him/her be any better than me, than us, for that matter, he/she can always come clean and apologize. (Of course he/she will need bigger balls.)

Remember what I said about a society? You can’t please them all. Why bother giving love to someone who doesn’t want it in the first place?